retrospect

Sometimes it's hard NOT to look back. No matter how much heartache & pain someone made you feel...there HAD to have been some love & joy in the mix. I was once told that you have to take the bad with the good, sometimes. & forgetting someone you loved is like remembering someone you've never met so, it's hard to just forget some people; especially when they brought you supreme pleasure...& considering how easily I am pleased; that's a lotta muthafuckas still crossin my mind.

I used to find myself reaching out, from time to time, to certain long lost loves; the ones you just lost touch with...right. Maybe, it was something I did? Maybe, I coulda prevented the discension? Maybe, I am the reason? MAYBE? But since when have the girls EVER needed a reason to drop a decent (I use that term loosely) dude like a bad habit? The truth is, I actually know HOW to treat a man. & typically, that is not what the kind of man I'm attracted to is interested in. The type of guy I usually find myself going out with, is turned ON by drama. Unimpressed by me drawing him a hot bath & rubbing his feet...the type of guy I like would feel love if I was thug tea silly; trade DOWN: Walked in the house, went off & popped his ass in the mouth. O yea, my kinda guy pops pills, might even do a little coke; drinks heavy, parties hard all night & sleeps in most of the day. In his mind, he IS a celebrity & for the short while he chooses to entertain me, I am his "captain:" His sponsor; his shelter; his transportation. It never even use to bother me, really. At that time, I accepted my place amongst the kids.

I didn't exactly look like them, or act like them but, still a part of the community (I use that term loosely), nonetheless. & since I felt as though I lacked in so many other departments then, I did what was needed for the company of a man. It didn't even seem senseless to me I mean, if a man is making me feel good the way I needed to feel good then, WHY NOT make him feel beat? It ain't trickin if u got it..." right? RIGHT???

WRONG!

It is STILL trickin...even if u do got it.

In a few weeks, I turn 25. Looking back, though my taste in men has evolved a bit, it's still basically the same (so sad). & there are still memories of men from my past that sometimes make me wonder...