Monday, September 21, 2009

don't YOU wanna stay negative?

& no, it's not a trick question.

I recently got into a heated debate with a very good friend of mine (we'll call him "Boogie") & now I just have to ask, exactly whose responsibility is your HIV status?

You see in Boogie's opinion, not only is it not right & downright "mean" for the positive to still have sexual contact with the negative but, it's not even "safe" for the positive to freak with other positives.

Boogie fears that these actions only magnify the epidemic, with the latter leading to superinfection among those already living with the disease. His conclusion (or proposal) being that the positive should no longer engage in sexual activity with others PERIOD; & be limited to "jacking off...for the rest of their lives."

Boogie's opinion deeply disturbed me.

The truth is (& by truth we're talking about Q's) that your HIV status is your responsibility & your responsibility ONLY.

To anyone reading that is currently negative, I want you to take this moment to stop...& thank Jesus. Because you have made it this far in a world of "false negative" test results & the denialists whose online profiles proudly read "negative, as of month/day/year," & I know you see them. & yes sometimes you know, of your own accord, that said individual is lying but honey despite what most state laws say, he can't ever truly be held liable for infecting you.

Safe sex, is just that. & as hard as it may be for some to comprehend, it means not letting ANYONE insert ANYTHING into ANY ONE of YOUR holes UNLESS it is wrapped up in plastic. & the moment you fail to execute this standard practice then, guess what sweetie? It's no longer safe sex. It is unsafe & risky behavior, & if you're old enough to be reading my blog then you're old enough to know this.

The old (new age) adage "treat EVERYONE you meet as if they are infected," is the realest shit I ever heard. But ain't it funny that after 11 years of fuckin, I am just NOW understanding this? The crutch typically used is that if you love & trust or know for a fact that your partner is negative then, it's ok not to be concerned with safety. & often times though you may not let anyone penetrate you without a rubber, you are usually quick to suck that dick without one. Is safe oral sex honestly as ENJOYABLE for either party involved? Hell no. But is it SAFE? Yes...yes it is.

I'll even take Boogie for example. He has been with his lover for 3 years. They stopped using rubbers after the 1st. Yes, they do love each other very much & they do still try to get tested regularly but, their lives; their safety is being placed in one another's hands. & if/when an STD ever pops up (& ya'll I pray it don't) then they will simply play the blame game over something that was always in their OWN power to prevent. The idea of safe sex can be compared to the state department doing a safety inspection of a business. There is a checklist of items to be crossed off in order for you not to be deemed a safety hazard. If you miss just 1 of those are in violation & as a result, deemed un-SAFE &/or HAZARDOUS.

Contamination, anyone?

Sometimes I can't help but admire my BFF Dee, for truly treating his body like the temple it is. He will not let a man take away his...negativity. He actually takes the time to THINK long & hard before ever becoming intimate with a man. Dee understands his own power. He knows what he has overcome. He is true to himself & his body as a whole but most importantly, he has no problem telling a man "NO."

Hell naw you can't come to my house this time of night.
Nah, I don't wanna fuck.
Naw baby, you ain't bout to give me what you got.
No...because I want to STAY negative.

As for Q, I've always had a little problem saying no; having gone to bed with many men when I really didn't even want to. Few will come out "after the storm" (you know, of life) unscathed & still negative. But truthfully, many will fall victim to that majority...who don't look at it as NOT wanting to stay UN-infected, but rather just WANTING to be touched by a man. & sometimes we lose sight of the consequences and repercussions: "Because his swag is mean," & "he bow-legged," & "girl, his dick is SO pretty," & sometimes even JUST BECAUSE...

But no one infects us...we infect ourselves. We were never a safe zone to begin with.

"Shit, I ain't tryna preach. I ain't even teachin[1]." I am just a short, chubby young man in Dallas who occasionally has a story or an opinion to share & today I am saying that YOU are in always were. & if you are still lucky enough to be negative in 2009 then please remember, that only "you are the master of your are the captain of your soul[2]."


1. "Ryde Away" (Eve featuring Anthony Hamilton) - Eve-Olution; 2002
2. William Ernest Hensley - Invictus (1875)

Saturday, August 29, 2009

the definition...YEAAAA BRANDY!

I believe in love at first sight.”

My co-worker “Hannah” looked at me like I had just said I believed in Santa Claus. “Q,” she said, “the only thing you can feel at first sight is LUST.” But truthfully, love does not have a specific definition for everyone. Though it is generally recognized as intense and/or passionate fondness for some person, place, or’s really just not that simple. Case in point: Hannah’s new boy toy, Jabari (yes ma'am, miss vanilla only eats chocolate) is head-over-heels in love with her...after day 2. This frightens Hannah very much as she does not comprehend a (hu)man being capable of love so soon.

When I first fell in love, I was 17. & after only the first WEEK of going with "Tremaine," I was ready to move with him to Atlanta after graduation. He was the first guy I'd ever met that could handle me & my smart mouth. Tall, overweight, & bad-built...he was perfect (for me). Did he feel the same about Q? Probably not. But my point is, no one then nor now can tell me that what I felt in my mind & in my heart was not love. For me it was true & to this day, whenever Tremaine & I cross paths, I still get butterflies in my stomach. He's even more overweight & even more badly built now but when I look at him, all I see is the same strong willed & intelligent man that I fell in love with Summer 2002...& I'll always love him.

Truthfully speaking, I was in love from the moment my ex-best friend introduced us. I felt it from the moment we locked eyes. & what I felt for Tremaine, I can never demean by classifying as LUST. His body wasn't even what got my attention & even for the short time we dated, the most I ever did was give him head. The emotion & passion I harbored for him never revolved around sex or his body but everything else about him. Even the lies he told (that I later caught him in) only made him more human & real to me.

The truth is (& by truth we're talking about MY truth here) love is universal:

It's my obsession with words; my best friends infatuation with dancing or my ex-boyfriends pre-occupation with designer labels; it's the raw emotion of an 18-year old girl & her first.

It's you & thy neighbour; it's the flowers & the trees, the birds & the bees; a basic instinct instilled from the womb, shared by mother & unborn child before even being understood; it's Paris & Rome, Texas & Georgia. Love is as basic as hunger, thirst or sleep. Love is me...& you.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

the like vivica

SO...for as far back as I can REMEMBER, I have preferred the company of older men. I mean the younger girls just never knew how to act but, now even the old ladies have begin to turn me off.

Remember "Eddie ?" Well, one reason I never even attempted to pursue anything with him is because his standards are, well...unattainable: you know the type whose "I am looking for..." (on his BGC profile) lists abou 88 of the things he doesn't like in a man? Besides, we're better off as friends anyway. But he is still by FAR one of the prettiest 40-something year old men I've laid eyes on in the DFW.

My point is for a while, I could only even SEE myself being serious with someone older than me.

"And the only way you know you're older is that you (once loved by older men) now find yourself loving boys younger than you...[1]"

That guy from my last post: 20 years old. The infamous Bruce: 21. My baby Shane (sighs, I just don't even have the strength to go into his story right now): but he is 20...are you noticing a pattern? I turned 25 less than 2 weeks ago.

Once upon a time, I couldn't even fathom dating a guy younger than, I find myself ONLY dating the new generation.

& it's not intentional...I didn't even notice until someone else pointed it out.

Am I slowly becoming that old girl at the club...the one who still tucks her shirt in (to mom jeans) & wears white tennis shoes?



I just don't know how this happened. I am listening to an Xscape cd as I type this...the last little boy I brought home didn't even know who Xscape WAS!

I feel so disgusting.

But this is the circle of life, right?

When I was 17 & in the 12th grade, my treasure chest was being dug in by a pirate named Oscar; who just so happened to be 25 & MARRIED with children. & though I don't see myself going to the extreme of adultery & contributing to the delinquency of a juvenile...I am now at that point...wher the young boys ARE the beautiful ones...


1. Andrew Holleran - Dancer From The Dance; 1978
2. Diamond (Lisa Raye) - The Player's Club; 1998

Saturday, July 18, 2009

this is NOT a test

I thought that if I for ONCE was faithful to a man...he would appreciate it

If I did not tell one lie...he would only tell me the truth

I handled this one WAYYYY differently than the rest. We had a special connection, belonged to the same "secret society" & from him, I hid NOTHING.

I was seriously even considering letting him top me (5 inches, no tea). HELL, I even swallowed.

He told me that I gave the best head he ever had. That he "loved me" & that I "could COMPLETE him."

I believed it...


for 2 WHOLE weeks (i know right) we were a match set.

& not only, was he jobLESS, carLESS, & apartment/houseLESS but, I was puttin my honda on the road AT LEAST 3 nights out the week; drivin from my crib in Ft. Worth to his daddy & dem house in South Arlington; bringing him BACK to my place to lay up & THEN takin him back home every mornin.

My weakness is a nice ass...& his booty sat up on his BACK

I was in love

& then, he just STOPPED:

returning calls
returning texts
giving me ANY life

but, he still found time to login to his online profile EVERY day & even sent me a couple generic ass, la la ass messages: "hey, how's it going?"

the TRUTH:

i've been dating for one decade

4/5 men I've ever loved in my life...threw me away

Every man whose ever shown ME love...I walked out on

Now, take out a pencil, paper & divide the # of old, single gay men you know by the # in loving, committed relationships & what do you get? (check all that apply)

a. to one day find HIM & live happily ever after
b. to die still young & beautiful from HIV-related complications
c. to grow old...ALONE

Now, how many of you answered "a" ONLY?

Thursday, June 25, 2009


Sometimes it's hard NOT to look back. No matter how much heartache & pain someone made you feel...there HAD to have been some love & joy in the mix. I was once told that you have to take the bad with the good, sometimes. & forgetting someone you loved is like remembering someone you've never met so, it's hard to just forget some people; especially when they brought you supreme pleasure...& considering how easily I am pleased; that's a lotta muthafuckas still crossin my mind.

I used to find myself reaching out, from time to time, to certain long lost loves; the ones you just lost touch with...right. Maybe, it was something I did? Maybe, I coulda prevented the discension? Maybe, I am the reason? MAYBE? But since when have the girls EVER needed a reason to drop a decent (I use that term loosely) dude like a bad habit? The truth is, I actually know HOW to treat a man. & typically, that is not what the kind of man I'm attracted to is interested in. The type of guy I usually find myself going out with, is turned ON by drama. Unimpressed by me drawing him a hot bath & rubbing his feet...the type of guy I like would feel love if I was thug tea silly; trade DOWN: Walked in the house, went off & popped his ass in the mouth. O yea, my kinda guy pops pills, might even do a little coke; drinks heavy, parties hard all night & sleeps in most of the day. In his mind, he IS a celebrity & for the short while he chooses to entertain me, I am his "captain:" His sponsor; his shelter; his transportation. It never even use to bother me, really. At that time, I accepted my place amongst the kids.

I didn't exactly look like them, or act like them but, still a part of the community (I use that term loosely), nonetheless. & since I felt as though I lacked in so many other departments then, I did what was needed for the company of a man. It didn't even seem senseless to me I mean, if a man is making me feel good the way I needed to feel good then, WHY NOT make him feel beat? It ain't trickin if u got it..." right? RIGHT???


It is STILL trickin...even if u do got it.

In a few weeks, I turn 25. Looking back, though my taste in men has evolved a bit, it's still basically the same (so sad). & there are still memories of men from my past that sometimes make me wonder...

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

all u single ladies...IF he liked it

I REALLY hate dating. I mean not just the meeting new people (I low key hate that too) but the redundancy of it all. The same movies; the same restuarants; telling the same stories & jokes; laughing the same ol' laugh...with a different face, & a different name. But I'd be lying if I said that I genuinely enjoyed being alone ALL THE DAMN TIME. I strongly believe that human beings were built for companionship; for friendships, fellowships...for relationships. No man should have to walk to the ends of this earth for all of his years, ALONE.

Being an only child, I've always been a loner naturally. Independent & self-sufficient from an early age but, my grandmother made sure I understood that "everybody needs somebody, SOME of the time..." however my increasing collection of cocodorm & 1 liter jugs of silicone lube have only aided in the ease of going without the touch of another man's hand for extended periods of time.

& honestly it's not just the IDEA of dating that sickens me, it's the agendas & the trust issues, & TRUST...they all have one:

-I'm only lookin for a NSA hookup
-At this point in my life, I'm really just too busy for a relationship
-My last boyfriend just hurt me so bad, & now I have to be careful with my heart

NOW, even the most close-minded, bitter, jaded queen could argue in defense of these busy, heartbroken men just being unable to commit at this point in their lives...until you find out that since only fucking the shit outta YOU just weeks ago, that man is now in a serious, long-term, committed relationship...with ANOTHER muthafucka.

The true tea...he just wasn't that into you. & I mean, can you blame him? OF COURSE but, how can you seriously be angered that YOU weren't his "type?" I mean the fact that you were at least good enough to fuck (ya'll did fuck right?) should say a lot so, why even be upset? Because he didn't stay the night? YOU DAMN MUTHAFUCKIN RIGHT!!! Ciara got us all brain-washed...everybody "want the TITLE[1]." & 10 times outta 10, even the most content bachelor will throw in his playa card for that ONE hot piece: the one "who can suck his dick AND make biscuits from scratch[2]." But honey that leaves only you, your microwave cooking, & your dirty, numb ass pussy to blame for not being THAT girl.

Get up on yo gangsta...your next date might just put this ring on it.

1. "The Title" (Ciara) - Goodies; 2004
2. Bad Mouf Bessie (Sheryl Underwood) - I Got The Hook Up; 1998

Friday, April 17, 2009

give NO life

As we sat in the booth at Cheddar's & I sipped my THIRD texas frozen strawberry margarita bowl (with SUGAR around the rim of the glass) me & my BFF Dee stumbled onto the topic of kids:

Why they're a nice idea
Why we don't NEED them
Why I WOULD help a friend terminate a pregnancy
& why he is so ANTI-abortion

His main argument being, "they had no business layin up & makin the baby...our mother's didn't get rid of us...i can understand rape victims, they had no choice...every human being conceived, deserves a chance..."

I am 24 going on 25, "& I still look good[1]," & I spent AT LEAST 10 YEARS of my young adulthood resenting my father. I blamed him for everything I thought was wrong with me: my femininity because he wasn't around to masculinate me; my homosexuality because he was a former bisexual, so he must have passed me the gay gene..."I cursed the day he was born[2]!"

My mother, I couldn't STAND for close to 15 years: for conceiving me at the age of 14 & being too spoiled & immature to woMAN up; for leaving the burden of rearing me to my grandmother...for not being able to accept me coming out of the closet at the age of 13.

It took close to 20 years of life, just to begin to accept my fucked up ass issues (regardless of my parents') as MY fucked up issues. But it only took me to the FIRST quarter to get in the you have any idea how many muthafuckas don't get off the bench until halftime? How many human beings are SO FUCKED UP in the head because they're parents & grandparents were REALLY FUCKED UP in the head & they don't even begin to UNDERSTAND, until their life is half over? Not even counting the ones who die STILL not realizing the damn point...

Now I'm not knockin Dee for his opinion & he wasn't knockin me for mine. But everytime I stop & look around to analyze & process headline news, sometimes it seems like just the thought of bringing kids into this world...they never even HAVE a chance.


Savannah(Whitney Houston)-Waiting to Exhale; 1995
Charlotte(Kristin Davis)-Sex in the City - The Movie; 2008