u got me FUCKED UP!

To keep down confusion I must REITERATE that a lot of the events I post are not current. Though some take place in the present day, the others occured in my past. But I blog about those events which can teach me (or anyone reading)a lesson...whether I/we choose to learn or not

It has always been my firm belief that "I can't be that other woman...[1]"

I have never been that girl, to compare myself to the likes of Kimberly Jones, Monica Lewinsky, & definitely not Karrine Stephans. I am a man who deserves love & respect from any & all who I grant the pleasure of my presence. NOT some cum bucket to be taken off the shelf & skeeted in when you need to drop a load, then put back up after my purpose has been served...so why am I continuing this secret affair with Bruce?

I mean because, we NOT fucking (sucking, eating, or jacking) so, he's not using me just to blow his load. & he is NOT promising to leave his lover, who they call "T" by the way, for me. We just enjoy each other's company. We share a chemistry. He makes me feel so warm & GOOD inside when he's around...& as far as I can tell, the feeling's mutual. But an emotional affair can be just as low-down & dirty as a physical one. In fact, I KNOW that if not for the lack of either one of us being a receiver that day at his house, I would have BEEN his "Lil' Kim..." his "Supahead."

But Bruce is not a bad guy in my eyes. He's a 19 year old boy who's dating a 24 year old man (T) & he's entertaining another 22 year old man (me) on the side. I mean hell, he IS the american way...ask about him. But I'm an adult compared to this child. & I should NOT be "involved in this talk show shit[2]." Not only because he has made his choice (he's still with his lover) but specifically because even if he were to just up & stop talking to his lover FOR ME...I would never be able to fully trust him not up & leaving me for the next dude that tickles his fancy. So, why am I STILL continuing this secret affair with Bruce? Shit, because I'm Q... & "if it ain't LIVE, it ain't ME[3]!" But honey the shade is, his lover Miss T, was bout as LIVE as me...

Me and Bruce working together, in the same department, was the basis. Seeing each other everyday, it encouraged us to continue. So we did, but especially via text message:

-I miss u
-I miss u 2
-U look SO cute 2day
-Thank u baby
-U takin yo break wit me?
-Yea
-U gon stop by on yo way home 2nite?
-4sho babe

Now to me, these are all just innocent text messages between two people who share a special connection with one another. But to another bitch, that other bitch, these text messages would be a reason to set it the fuck OFF...

So uh, ya'll know T called my phone after he went thru all of Bruce text messages one night right? Of course he did the ladylike thing & confronted his man FIRST; so I couldn't be too mad at him, he went to his man first. But Bruce, being the 19 year old little boy he is, was not prepared for this day to come. He was speechless; he had no words. So when T asked, "what the fuck is this?" Bruce responded, "oh uh, I don't know." Now ya'll know, this is what I get for messin with this little boy. Why in the fuck are you not deleting my messages as they come? I don't even have a man, but you best believe I delete incriminating messages as they come & only archive the shit that may come up later. But this nigga, didn't even clean up his shit so now, it's bout to go DOWN:

T: "What the fuck you mean, you don't know? You replied to all his text messages didn't you? Who the FUCK is Q?

Bruce: "Baby, that's just my co-worker. We real good friends."

T: "You got me FUCKED UP! Do you not know i am CRAZY? Your co-worker? nah-uh, I'm goin to your muthafuckin job!"

Bruce: "Baby, why you trippin?"

T: "You betta call & tell him not to call yo muthafuckin phone no more!"

Bruce: "Baby, calm down. Let's just talk about it."

T: "OH, you ain gon call him? don't worry bout it den...I'LL call him!"

Meanwhile I am at work, OBLIVIOUS to the shit going down over in North Arlington between Bruce & T. It's Sunday (my Friday) & I'm actually having a good day, thus far. So when my phone suddenly rings, & I see "BRUCE" flash across my i.d...I just know my night is ONLY about to get better.

Me: "Wzup?"

T: "Who is dis?"

Me (recognizing this is NOT Bruce's voice): "Baby, you called MY phone. Who the fuck is dis?"

T: "This, is T."

Me: "OHHH...hi, how you doing?"

T: "NAH, ain't no 'hi how you doings?' So you know who I am?"

Me: "Ye-a, I done heard about you."

T: "Oh okay, well HEAR THIS: u bet not call or text Bruce phone NO MO!"

Me: "Hold up now Miss T, do you pay Bruce phone bill now?"

T: "Who the fuck you callin 'Miss?' I don't give a damn if I DON'T pay his bill, muthafucka!"

Me: "& ain't BRUCE the one paying BOTH ya'll phone bills since you STILL ain't got no job?"

SILENCE

T: "You know what? it really doesn't matter WHO pays the phone bill. You just betta not call his phone no more or else I will be down there to ya'll job. Ok?"

Me: "No tea baby. I'll lose Bruce number when BRUCE tell me to lose his number."

T: "He don't have to tell you to; I'M tellin you to! So PLEASE don't make me come to ya'll job."

T HANGS UP

& bitch, I'm just LOOKING. All I can do at that point is smile, still staring down at my phone; still sitting at my desk. But low-key, I am HEATED. I'm ready to fight. That bitch got me FUCKED up. & where the fuck is Bruce while all this shit is transpiring? So uh, ya'll know I called his muthafuckin phone right back to see what the fuck was up...no answer; & I was not about to leave a voicemail, NOT NOW. Since I was off the next two days, I decided to just go home & relax because I SWEAR that muthafucka had done ran my blood pressure UP.

Bruce never called back that night...or the next. I figured it was his way of politely respecting his lover, while letting me down easily...punk-built ass. I don't even know WHY I'm mad. I knew from the jump that T was the first lady in his life. I couldn't be angered or upset; hell, I couldn't even be disappointed..."I know what this is; I knew what it was.[4]" I was just bitter. I had finally been confronted with the truth. & the truth was, I was just Bruce's "sideline."

As could be expected, I drowned my sorrow in junk food while I wallowed in my despair. I lay waiting for my pizza from Joe's to be delivered, contemplating WHY exactly I allowed myself to carry on with Bruce for as long as I did. Truthfully: I was having too much fun. I mean even after the revelation of our sexual roles being mis-matched WEEKS AGO, we continued. There was an undeniable chemistry; a physical attraction & a genuine enjoyment of one another's company and since there was no presence of sex in the equation then...who were we hurting? (This was before I was old enough to know that "cheating" can go above & beyond sex)

...I didn't even realize I'd dozed off until the knock at the door awakened me. I grabbed the money off the table to tip the delivery guy before I unlocked the deadbolt, not even looking thru the peephole & there I was, greeted by the smirk of Bruce holding my pizza with his hand stuck out. Oh yea, I DEFINITELY had a tip for that ass...

REFERENCES

1. "That Other Woman" (Changing Faces) - Visit Me; 2000
2. "Talk Show Shhh!" (Shae Jones) - Talk Show; 1999
3. "If it Ain't Live, It Ain't Me" (Mystikal) - Tarantula; 2001
4. "My Love" (Jill Scott) - The Real Thing: Words and Sounds, Vol. 3; 2007