Thursday, October 30, 2008

reflection (a suicide note)

As I stand on the edge of this cliff looking out into the empty abyss
I can only ponder, “how did I get here?”
Through a series of unfortunate events
I’ve lost almost all that is near & dear
& yet, I have no one to blame but myself
Although my choices may very well have revolved around others
My choices, no matter how bad, were my OWN
I CHOSE THIS PATH that I now walk alone

& as I stand here now on the edge of this cliff,
Staring into the empty abyss, I pause & ask myself, “who did this?”
Only I know the answer to that question
The truth is, my downfall is my own doing
From all the priceless & prized possessions I’ve lost
To all the useless things & vices I’ve gained
To say my life is in shambles would be an understatement...
Shambles can be stabilized
My life is in RUINS

& now as I stand on the edge of this very cliff,
Gazing out into the empty abyss
My thoughts resonate loudly, “now is the end, let me go in peace.”
As I think about all the opportunities passed,
& the life I could now be living
The lies told to those close to me
The lies I never asked for, but received
The lack of job stability, verge of bankruptcy
The abundance of corruption from the one I gave it all to
The loss of livelihood, dignity, sanity, & all logical thought process
My heart, my mind, & spirit all broken to pieces
I want to cry, scream, & shout for all to hear
But it would only be in vain
No captain can save me now...
So as I dive from the edge of this cliff
Plummeting down into the empty abyss
I will feel no pain...because now, I am free

- Q. Deon

I wrote this note 1 year ago this month & looking back, things really weren't that bad: Immediately following the reconciliation of me & my ex, I hit rock bottom. Now I have NEVER contemplated suicide...I don't think I would ever have the balls to intentionally end my OWN life. But for a moment, I did wonder if death would bring relief from the pain; the pain of betrayal; the pain of heartbreak; the pain of living. & in a sense, I did die...well, a part of me anyway. & for a while, I never looked back. But now the worst of my past seems to be the best of my future. October 2007, I was down so bad I didn't think I could go anywhere but up...PSYCH-adilly! It was only the prequel.

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